Birthdays, holidays, "first day of...", celebrations, anniversaries...
Some days I am stuck between celebration and grief, and that's a tough place to find myself.
Thursday was one of those days. It was my little brother's birthday. Thursday was a good day but it was also another instance of bumping into the reality that she isn't here.
I did my day. I worked out, I got Boogs to school, I homeschooled, I got chores done, I bathed my children and finally.... I sat down and cried. It was a deep and aching cry a few weeks in the making. It was a cry I needed.
I got up and smelled the container where her jewelry is tucked. I hardly open this container in fear of letting the smell out. It still smells like her. Almost five years later and her smell remains. I can not express how grateful I am for that.
I found the necklace with her signature and in the process came across a gold bar necklace of hers. I remember seeing it previously but never paid much attention to it. Tonight, I flipped it over and found it said "REDEEMED" on the other side. My heart skipped as I read that word. Elijah's new middle name, Raanan, means REDEEMED. Does that catch your breath like it did mine?
The reality that she isn't here is difficult but I know that in everything, God is faithful and sovereign. He was and is. Her buying that necklace, her wearing that necklace, her death, our adoption, Elijah's name... proof of His love for me. His undeserved mercy towards me.
Jeremiah 31:3 3 I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.